20 March, 2015

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. ~ Pablo Neruda

So, I sat in the same spot, my favorite spot for years and years. Same spot, every 2nd Friday every month. The man who sat in front of me is also the same man. He's never changed, always nice with a very soft voice, so soft, I often have to say, "I'm sorry, what? Can you say it again please?" or I just say, "pardon?" and he will repeat what he just says. He must have thought I need to go see otolaryngologist or something, while I think he needs a mic or speaker. (I think that's why he was getting paid to listen) The smell of his office room also keep the same, scent of lavender (I once said to him to change it into vanilla because lavender makes me sleepy, he said he will, but he never do) I only noticed he changed his dust bin, it used to be small red dust bin and he changed it into white and bigger one. The same thing that never change is also the topic of our conversation, I've got to be honest it's been so dull and boring. He's probably thinking the same thing. Our routine opening speech is "so how's life Evita?" and my answer always "hmm ... same old same old ... nothing much." EPIC. He then will start asking questions about home, school, my grades, my work, my sisters, do I have hyperventilation in the past two weeks, panic attacks or how do I handle crowds? I always know the session is going to end when he finally asked "do you have anything else you like to tell me or ask me?" and I mostly answer the questions with "no ... everything is fine, I'm bloody hungry can we end this now?" and he will laugh like always. I love constant things and I'm a rigid routine person, but this is boring even for me. I know this is wrong, but my mind always wandering around when he talked to me. I am sometime imagining how he is outside this office, what kind of father he is, is he always this wise? God forbid I have psychologist father, I will never stand having father who will always try to read me like a card, scary as hell.

Perhaps it's so boring he decided to change the topic or this is might be just the time. This time he opens our conversation with "Well, look who will turn 16 this year!" with a louder voice, bigger smile and stronger handshake. I just smiled at him. He then asked me bunch of questions like, what's my plan for birthday/new year eve and all and he told me he was planning to go to church with his family and have dinner afterwards. I just answered "sounds awesome..."and I have this feeling he just trying to bait me from one question to another to ask this question "so 16 right? How's love life? Any boy? Or.... any girl?" I thought he's supposed to have poker face all time, I mean ... he must have been heard crazy things all the time, but I can find amusement in his face. Now, that's new. I laughed and asked him "what? Nooo ... do you ask.fm-ing me all this time too?" He looks confuse "no ...what is that?" it took me a while to decide to tell him or not "it's just this website where you can ask things ...well ... you don't want to know..." I'm trying to be as vogue as I can because he looks interested. "So do you ask or answered?" "answer mostly..." he now really looking excited "that sounds so great, tell me more, what kind of question?" Now I wish I could take my words back. "That's why I thought you're on ask.fm many question about boyfriend and things like ... do I like girls? And, stuff" Now I'm cursing myself and the fact that I have zero ability to lie "and if I may know, what is your answer?" I laughed because I know he will ask that "That ... I'm not into that kind of thing right now ... I'm so confused why people seem so obsessed with love, if you asked me ... love sound so much like a curse. I can't imagine myself thinking about one person all the time, a person that will have so much power in me, to make me happy and of course to hurt me, that sounds like absolute bollocks." He smiled then add "You say all this thing because you're never in love, when someone found the one, the universe will somehow look different Evita, you will think differently, you will surrender somehow. It's true that he or she will be your Achilles heel, but you will see there will be nothing you can do about it." "Like Superman and Kryptonite?" He smiled wider to my question "No, like Superman and Louis Lane" "Why Louis? Kryptonite is the one that can kill Superman" "Because for Louis, Superman doesn't care about kryptonite, he will do just about anything for her ... it's not Kryptonite, it's Louis." I laughed, see it's scary, love.

Just when I thought I escape from all of these awkward questions, he jab me with another question. "So really, no one?" I answered with hard nod "no one... that I'm sure of" He laughed again and ask more (well of course) "what do you mean? You need to tell me more..." I was thinking, there's no way I can escape this, he's too interested about my love life and my zero ability to lie isn't helping at all. "Well...There's this one guy... he's my neighbor's nephew, come here only for holiday. He's so quite and I like that about him, we only nod at each other every time we accidentally bumped to each other. I asked his name first when I was outside and he was taking his uncle's dalmatian for walk. You know when people told you that you will like guy who can give you comfort? or that some sort feeling? It's doesn't work like that for me, he feels like dark Japanese movie, so boring, slow, gloomy and quite, not many words and very minimal movement, but I like that about him. Story short we found out that we have similar taste on books, musics and movies. I love how he read books more than me, how we have different perspective on things, which is new to me, most of boys just always agree to whatever I'm saying. We debate about simple things like if "Lolita" word are found before or after Vladimir published his novel? Simple things like is Humbert Humbert love for Lolita is a sin or forbidden love? Is he a sick bastard or just poor old man? Things like that. We also shared things about our self, I found that his father is a professor, her mother is a housewife and her sister is temporarily stay in Indonesia for study and he come here to visit her sister. When he asked more about me, I asked him how long he will stay? he said only three weeks and then I shared all my deepest secrets because he will take it away back to his hometown and my secrets will be safe with him." I paused. You should see my Doc's face, he must be so confused because I talk so much. I take a sip of water. He told me to continue, so I did. "Week two... He called me Fuka Eri, -my very own Fuka Eri- that's how he called me, because he told me that it's like Murakami make that character based on me, funny because after that people keep telling me the same thing. He even asked me wear a long hair wig. One night, three days before he's leaving I told him, I think I like him..." I stop talking because I think that's all the story I need to tell, but my doc's so persistence and asked me to continue he so curious about his answer of course. "He just laughed at me, and messing up my hair... he told me... here's his words ~No you don't like me, you just like the idea of me, the idea of having boyfriend who will live thousand miles from you, so you don't have to deal with real romantic things, you don't have to deal with your friends nagging you to have boyfriend. If you really like me, you will cry right now asking me not to come home, but you are as cold as your true self to me. And don't you dare telling everybody that you have your broken heart because of me, because you are not, but I am, because I do like you and one day my Fuka Eri will be someone else's ~ Then I asked him, can I at least tell everybody about our story as my first summer fling and he said it's okay. I didn't go to the airport when he was leaving because I have school,  but the night before he's leaving he give me a note, he wrote --I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too-- It's a poem by Pablo Neruda, never knew about him before and now it's one of my favorite."  

Do you know what my doc's word? "wow" just wow said with a very low voice. He coughed a little and added "So do you like him?" I shake my head "I have no idea...Maybe he's right" he asked again "When he leave, are you sad? Or cry?" He takes his pen and paper, I hate it when he do that. "Sad, but no... I'm not crying"

He then give blablabla about I'm having a great progress and all that crap, if have summer fling a progress then when is the finish line? When I'm married? fantastic, just fantastic. He added "if one day you found the one, you should really come to me and tell me more about it..." I don't see why I should so... I asked why is that necessary, he answered "because in your case, once you found the one, you will most likely be extreme about it, you will show your feeling to your object of affection strongly and more noticeably than other people normally do, that's why I need to guide you, but don't worry this is normal for you." I laughed so hard because it sounds so stupid "Normal for me? But not normal for normal people? What do you think I will do? Stalking? build a worship table? Send creepy message -- If I can't have you, then nobody will -- " I swear from the look of his face he seriously think I might do that. "You may not go all there... but you might, well this is happen in many cases with people who have asperger... you will give him intense stare all the time, you also might keep calling him rapidly, which not really normal in our society... " If I'm a cartoon character you'll see my jaw drop to the floor, I can't believe he's serious. If you ask, do I worry about it? well I do, when you found out that you have high potential of being creepy stalker you'll understand.

He continue ( to torture me, hahaha) "So back to my first question... what's the answer?" I try to remember his first question, "what? how will I spend new year eve?" He shake his head and laugh "No.. I asked how's your love life? Is there's any?...."  of course I'm confuse, I just give him details of my so called love life. "I just told you..." He cut my words "No... No... I asked is it boy? or girl? What is your preference" Of course I ask things you all might have in your head "What? Why do you ask that?" He answered "Well because, as female with asperger there is some traits that you might have, and one of them is you may have many androgynous traits, even in feminine one which you are not, they most likely will think their self as half male or half female or you can say, you see yourself as well balance anima or animus. So looking the way you're dressed (I'm wearing ripped jeans + leather jacket) of course it's intrigued me to ask, I just want to let you know it's all normal for you. So what is it? your preference? Boys or girls? " Oh, he and his curious eyes. Well this is interesting... "Hahaha... this will be another long story, do I have enough hour to tell you?"

~ To be continue to another post, because right now I'm to sleepy to tell the rest of my story, plus I need to ask someone first is it okay to share our conversation, just want to make sure I'm not violating any confidentiality agreement or something, hahaha.







Jacket : Sheinside
T-shirt : Bershka
Pants : Zara 
Shoes : Jeffrey Campbell / Rococo

28 January, 2015

Poverty is the worst form of violence. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I always believe that equality is impossible to achieve if poverty still exist.  Don't you?

When we are all just a kid our parents keep telling us, "help the poor" "do a good deed" "love people around you" "protect mother earth" etc....  right? It's just a word until at certain age, a thunder strikes and you suddenly starting to really think about people around you, it's even not just around you, you start thinking about those people who live in other side of the world,  start to really care about mother earth, about how to really help people and do something. You feel like the burden of the world is on your shoulder, my theory is because when you're older you will think less about yourself and start to think about other. There are some nights that I can't close my eyes thinking about there are kids my age or even younger, infants, thousand of them are hungry and cold while I'm sleeping in my comfy bed. Also it get my nerves thinking that those ice mountain across the world are melting, slow but sure even as we speak right now, too frightening to even think about it. What will happen with earth? those kind of questions sometime keep me awake all night.


I keep questioning things like, why there are people that have so many while there are more people who have nothing? News about new high technology in medical are everywhere, scientist found this and that but why there are so many kids died because of disease? even worse because of hunger. War is the worst, many died for no reasons. I guess human are just selfish by nature. What can I do to change this condition? Can I? I'm just a kid. Is it even possible ?

Our world is one of terrible contradictions. Plenty of food, but one billion people go hungry. Lavish lifestyles for a few, but poverty for too many others. Huge advances in medicine while mothers die every day in childbirth, and children die every day from drinking dirty water. Billions spent on weapons to kill people instead of keeping them safe.
~ Ban Ki-moon

Then I find the answer for my question, I can.... I actually can and so do you. I was jumping on the bandwagon immediately after I heard about this movement. It's called action/2015 and it's a movement to end poverty, inequality, and climate change. The campaign is comprised of hundreds of organizations around the world coming together to demand truly ambitious agreements on poverty, inequality and climate change in 2015. If you ask, why 2015 ? the answer is because at the end of 2015, two global summits will bend the course of history. One summit will result in a new global framework for humanity – to tackle poverty and inequality. The other will set new climate action targets – a crucial step towards a safer planet. Action/2015 is hoping to raise awareness of these issues so global leaders will make the right decisions at these summits.

If you want to join this movement, you can! I even wish you do join us, I believe the more people aware about this movement the chances for our leader to hear our voice will be higher.
To learn more about who we are? What are we doing? And why are we doing this? This is the list of action/2015 media social you can visit or follow to help you understand more about this movement.

Will leave you with action/2015 open letter to world leaders and really hope that all of you who read this post can share it around! 

04 January, 2015

A girl should be like a butterfly, pretty to see and hard to catch

Hello all! happy Holiday! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! and Happy birthday ( soon ) to me!  Question of the week for everybody is "what is your resolution for 2015" I've never make any, I don't like making promises that I can't keep. But, this year is kind a different, I need to make one resolution, nothing fancy nothing glory resolution, only one. I need to pay more attention to my blog. You may wondering why, well the truth is I'm beyond believe on how many responses I've got on my email about me posting again. Some people even saying thank you to me for updating my blog. I'm speechless. So it's my newest resolution! one and only! be a better blogger! hehehe. 

Sadly this blogger of yours have no outfit post to post, been crazy with deadlines, schedules, works and school, I'm a dead meat. So, I will post something that people been asking for ages... and that is my skin care routine. To be honest, I'm not that kind who have 100 routine before going to bed for their face only ( watching my sisters put on moisturizer one, moisturizer two, moisturizer 4 to their face~ Well I'm sure they all have names not 'moisturizers 1,2,3 but I couldn't tell... I swear there's like 5-6 bottles there) I like to keep it simple, I'm already busy as it is. But as careless as I am, I know how important to wash my face and the most important thing is to find your perfect face wash.

Okay we have to go back a little. Honestly I used to wash my face with the same soap I use for my body ( which is wrong, I know... ) but I always feel I'm not old enough to use those doctors face wash or whatever and don't think I need one either. So here's a little story how destiny brought me to my face wash match, hehehe. So I've been using The body shop as long as I can remember, their body wash, check! their body lotion, check! their body butter, check! their glossing serum and coconut shine for my hair, check! their almond things for nails, check! and even their peppermint spray and lotion for my feet, check! all that and all the way to their cactus brushes and bath gloves. I used it all. Me and my papa always shop buckets and buckets of their products. For me it's some kind of routine things that I do with my papa, shop in The Body Shop. Funny how the only thing that I don't buy at the The Body Shop are their face wash, probably because I've never heard they had one.

Something maybe are meant to be. One day a person from The Body Shop asked me do I want to be ambassador for The Body Shop for their face wash line Tea Tree, it happens not long after my papa passed away. I remember mumbling to myself, how funny it was. I can only imagine how my papa will react if he hear this news. He must be so happy and want me to take the offer, he's always been a big fan of The Body Shop, my theory is it must be something to do with the fact that body shop is against animal testing. So I take the offer in a heartbeat. I have no concerns whatsoever, because I know I will love the products. I've tried it and I was right, it's now my champ face wash products and from what I've heard the Body Shop Tea Tree line been everybody's favorite now. So, as a good ambassador that I am I will now give you some detail about my face wash routine.

I've actually used two products, The tea tree cool & creamy wash for my daily use and tea tree squeaky clean scrub that I use two days a week or whenever after I do some sport or outdoor activity ( my sister use this one daily tho')  . I will share the about the first one first, Tea Tree cool and creamy wash. Well I know you all must've been know how to wash your face, but I'm in the mood to share you the details so here the step by step on how to use it ;)

Here's the champ! 



The steps :

1. I splash my face with water.
2. I put the creamy soap in 6 spots on my face, chin, cheek ( left & right ), nose and forehead.
3. Rub with gentle massage ( you'll start to feel the cool sensation )
4. Rinse it with water ( I suggest a cool water )
5. Dry your face with soft towel

I do this routine twice a day.

First thing you'll notice after use Tea Tree Cool & Creamy wash is the freshness and cool sensation, so refreshing! it's even become my favorite part to wash my face before go to sleep, super relaxing. I used this one every morning and before sleep.I'm a very pleased user and a proud ambassador for this line. I've read so many great reviews about it too. You can find it in every The Body shop store or if you don't want any fuss you can buy it online on The Body Shop website, here's the link >> The Body Shop Website <<   and sure, you're welcome! ;)

Will make another review about Tea Tree Squeaky Clean scrub! soon! ;)

17 December, 2014

The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt. ~ Max Lerner

Hello old friends how are you? Hope life is good and treat you kind,  it's been a while right? and looking at number of messages and emails that stacking up in my email, comment on my instagram, my ask.fm complaining about my M.I.A I know some of you miss me so bad....  but you know what? I miss you even more. It's been 10 month and 11 days since my last post, what a bad bad blogger right? I can't believe some of you still send me messages to make some update, because if I were you I will already loose my faith. I miss blogging so much and many times actually tried to make a new post, but something always held me back. But if I don't start I will might just stop, so I was thinking... I have to make post! tonight! no matter what! and here I am.

 By the way, I just realized something it's been years and years of my blogging years and I haven't make any change to my blog layout since century ago and thinking to make a change bit ( years of blogging doesn't improve my html skill at all... at all... so please bare with me... hahaha. )

Been away for so long, we've got so many things to catch up.... let's see what's new? what's new?
well... I'm proudly announce my new brand, it's a bags brand that I build my own called EN.PENS you can check it out in here > EN.PENS <  it's been a busy year for me thanks to EN.PENS and all of my customers of course, I'm must say I'm so overwhelmed by the response ( overwhelmed in a very happy way!) . How can't I? when the bags that is suppose for 3 month stock, sold out within a week? you're all the best! I think I should make a special post for more story and detail about my brand, :)

Have I told you that I have my own column in one of the best ( if not the best) teen magazine in my country ? yes I'm a blogger columnist for GoGirl! magazine. It's actually been more than a year or so. Received so many heart warming feed back about my column, couldn't be more happier! Couldn't help to not feel like a little Carrie Bradshaw every time I typing my article in my laptop ( again, planning to share more detail about this in separated post ) for everyone who told me that they missed my writings, ramblings and all, I'm actually still writing and sharing things in my article every month.

What else? oh! I'm having DIY book project with some other blogger and hopefully will be out in January, so excited! *hint I will show you how to make porcelain blazer inspired by Roberto Cavalli in a very low budget... hohoho...

And few months back you can find my face in The Body Shop store all around my country, yes I've become The body shop ambassador for tea tree collection and  colour crush, not something I used to do, but because it's The Body Shop it's whole different story, I use their products since I can remember, my papa always bought buckets and buckets of their prouducts, it's growing on me. So it's like meant to be.

I have braces on now.

I'm freakin 10th grader now! yeah officially high school girl... *wink

No ... still no boyfriend. 

The last but not least, I found myself change a lot this year. 2013 and 2014 will be the year that I will remember my whole life, because aside from great things that happened to me,  2013 is the year where I lost the most precious thing in my life, my reason to breathe, my half, my everything and 2014 is the year where I learned to survive through it. There's so many moment I can just collapse and couldn't breathe just by the memory of it. An event that changed my life drastically, turned my life upside down, I've never been so crushed before and when I learn to passed through it I found myself wiser, not stronger only wiser, because I've never been vulnerable like I am right now, I will be forever have this big deep hole of ache in me. This is probably the real reason I can't blogging these past 10 months, it's hard to do something when your reason to live was not with you anymore and all you can do is make yourself so busy so you don't have time to think about it. I'll share with you when I'm ready. It can be tomorrow or years from now. Who knows.

That is all I can remember for now... but you can always look up to my instagram @nuhevita for more news and all, I shared my daily life there. I know it's been a crazy years and I keep myself busy to the point I feel exhausted but this is what life about, we're human, carry on, move on, survive with the best efforts. People around me keep telling me to take some rest, play and have parties like girls my age should, I told them that being busy it's the only thing that keep me sane right now, this is my kind of party. Loud musics, dark places with crazy lighting never been my thing after all.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Erma Bombeck 

So here I am now, going 16 and wiser than I ever before, I learned so many things in this couple of years and hopefully can share things with you. Because all I know right now is to live the best I can like my old man always wants me to. 

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. 
Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential,
 and fight for your dreams.

Ashley Smith


Cute striped top and Purple skirt ( they actually a set ) from Sheinside // Bag EN.PENS 








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